


Live To The Point Of Tears

by fenmiu



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Crying, Drug Use, Experimentation, Falling In Love, Hallucinations, Humiliation, M/M, Men Crying, Mind Games, Minor Character Death, Omorashi, Psychological Horror, Shame, Underage - Freeform, Wetting, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-14 04:02:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1252009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenmiu/pseuds/fenmiu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The more that Sebastian suffers, the happier Ciel is. Because a demon who can feel fear and shame and sorrow is a demon who can love, right? What happens when the young Phantomhive embarks on a series of tests to draw emotion from his butler? Can Ciel get what he really wants?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. His Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> wow so i actually wrote this one all by my onesies guys, it's still in progress, and i think it sucks like i've rewritten it a bunch of times so if no one likes it i won't continue submitting it :U  
> so read and review or you'll be punched in the face by the long dick of justice  
> not rly it's a TBLS reference
> 
> story by keiiaru  
> editing by piefacemcgee

I think it first started when I saw him as a human.

Sebastian was not like humans. He didn't drink nor partake of human meals...he was not afflicted by emotions, or bodily functions, and he did not sleep.

But here he was, lying neatly in his small bed, in his plain room, dozing gently. His bangs were curled lightly about his face, contrasting against a white pillow, and dark lashes did the same to a pale face.

And I, Ciel Phantomhive, knew this was no forced sleep.

I could tell because I listened to my butler breathe, and it was the slow, deep breathing of someone in a profound state of rest.

I expected a lot of Sebastian, and rightly so. My soul was the price of his service, so perfection was imperative. But when he nearly lost his own immortal life trying to save mine... When he was gruesomely impaled by a Reaper's scythe, and his blood spilled out over the floor, and he stared up at me in horror and reached for me and fell-- !

...Needless to say, he'd earned some time to recover.

I knew this was no forced sleep because he genuinely needed to recuperate. And I knew it was real because he did not wake even as I approached him and watched over him like he did for me so many times.

Sebastian looked so at rest, and peaceful, and I saw him as a human for the very first time. I saw something... A weakness. I realized he wasn't perfect.

I could have slit his throat.

Of course, he was up the very next day, good as new... Like a filthy demon would be. It was unnatural, and I found myself displeased. Why couldn't he stay vulnerable just a little longer? Why couldn't he stay human?

That resting face was gone, and he was back to shrouding his demonhood in a butler's uniform and topping it with a mask of meticulously chosen emotions.

So fake.

Eventually I brushed the memory away, because it was ridiculous to want my perfect butler to falter. It was ridiculous to pretend he had a human side. It was ridiculous to imagine he was anything but a frenzied soul goblin.

And worst of all...it was ridiculous to think I was ever the one in control.

I depended on him.

But another day came in which I saw a side of him I hadn't before.

It is not a pleasant memory to recall, but ...we were cursed. And when I was cursed, writhing and weeping in pain, he took me...and he pulled my clothes off, and his own, and climbed into an immense magickal cauldron.

Under the instruction of one Master Sullivan, Sebastian did everything he could to save my life. I opened my eye under the water, just for a moment, and I saw his naked form holding my own, determination and a real fear in his own eyes.

He wasn't in control then. No one was. He knew he could lose me for good. And even though he'd removed his shroud, I did not see a demon beneath it. I saw a slender, pale man, with all the parts of a human.

We were the same.

And I couldn't help think...how nice...that he feared for me. And what a lovely few seconds we spent together under the water, our naked bodies entwined. It felt like a timeless eternity.

At that single moment in time, I realized I probably loved him.

Of course, he got what he wanted, retained his claim to my soul, and got all his control back. Shrouded himself again.

One would think that falling love was wondrous. But not for me, not at all. It brought forth so many problems, the least of which was: Is it even possible for him to love me back?

Is it even worth entertaining the idea that I could be anything more to him than a meal?

I began to watch him almost obsessively.

I wanted to see him falter.

I wanted to see him struggle.

I wanted to see him break.

"Sebastian," I announced one day, "You told me that together, you and I could rule the world."

The demon smiled, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Yes, Young Master. That is true."

I was sitting in my office, leaning over a series of contractual agreements and picking at the foul health snack my butler had prepared for me.

"So I could live my life how I desired."

"Yes."

"What if I did not wish to marry Elizabeth?"

"My lord, why would you not wish to marry the young Lady Elizabeth? She is of high standi--"

"Shut up and answer the question," I said irritably, staring down at my tea with rather heated cheeks.

Sebastian bowed ever so slightly.

"My apologies. Then of course, if you did not wish to marry her, nothing is forcing you. You don't need a demon butler to make that decision. All it is is an outdated arrangement that you've never been too interested in."

"Good," I said simply, leaning back. "Good."

Sebastian considered himself before speaking. "Is there someone else who had caught the Young Master's eye, perhaps? The Lady Marina?"

I grimaced. "She's like, ten."

"Twelve, my lord, only four years younger than yourself."

"I would never be with someone younger. And I don't care if they're of noble blood. I would like somebody mature, intelligent, reasonable...and a little dark. Whoever that person is," I grumbled.

"Even if they weren't a...a girl."

Surprise briefly registered on Sebastian's face.

"Not a girl, my lord? Then a boy? I imagine you'd have a hard time marrying one...and producing he--"

"Shut up, you fool," I snapped back, my temper lost. "I didn't say I would marry one! I said 'be with'! And you know what? If I can rule the world, and I want to marry a boy, I will marry one! You say you're so powerful, but could you make that happen?"

The vile demon just smiled.

"Of course I could. Your wish is my command, my lord."

Of course he could. The arrogant arse.

He could do anything he wanted, absolutely flawless. There was never a lack of control. Sebastian was perfection.

"Sebastian...clean the mansion. Don't use your demon abilities."

He glanced up at me curiously. "But Young Master, that would take far longer--"

"Just do it." I interrupted him a lot...I knew he didn't like it. He likes to hear himself speak.

"...Yes, my lord." A tedious job...but by no means would it break him.

For the next month, Sebastian was all I could think about.

And it was safe to say that I wanted to see his body again...not just for the humanity, but for the aesthetics.

Ciel Phantomhive...obsessed with his demon butler. I knew it was a fruitless venture, but I was developing feelings for him.

They couldn't be just sexual...

No...it was more.

It was the nights he sang lullabies for me, staying with me until I slept, and when he leaned over my slumbering body and for a single moment making me think he would give me a kiss, and it was the fear and the protection and the jealousy when anybody else got near me.

It was when he cradled me in his arms, or when he told me that he was mine, heart and body and dark, blackened soul.

It was his human side.

And that was mine to take, too. I would make him give it to me. Because if there was love inside him, I would find it and make it my own.

"Sebastian," I said to my butler one day, "Remember William Spears?"

Sebastian paused in his reading. He looked so damned relaxed and leisurely.

"I suppose, yes."

"Did you love him?"

A strange look passed over his face.

I know what is going through his mind...his passionate but short lived fling with that incredibly prudish demon-hating shinigami. No one so arrogant should be so handsome.

I don't know the details about how Mr. Spears ended up overcoming his hatred of demons. It definitely had something to do with how good a lover my butler is, but...to make another man willingly court him...and even though it had ended badly...

Were there real emotions involved?

"I did not," he answered effortlessly.

My heart dropped. Truly? Truly?

"What...what did you get out of it then?" I uttered, dismayed. I remember William turning up to see him one night in the rain. How badly he wanted to see him. He loved him, surely.

"Begging your pardon, sexual satisfaction, Young Master."

I stood up, quite irritated. "How low, to use someone like that," I huffed. "You really are the scum of the earth."

Sebastian's eyes glinted. He just smiled.

"Lust is in my nature."

I leave the room in a fluster. Do not speak of lust, Sebastian. If William is the type you lust for...then you'd never look twice at a bite-sized little boy like me.

My patience had reached its end. I was going to break my butler open and pull out the humanity within.

One day, during one of my tea demonstrations, I accidentally spilled some boiling water on his hand whilst pouring tea.  
Sebastian yanked his hand back instinctively, as was the muscle reflex, but the look on his face said that it had hurt him.

I was so chuffed by my victory that I accidentally spilled some of the hot water on my own hand, and then Sebastian was taking care of me again.

Not a victory by any means...a simple burn...pitiful, really. I had to take larger steps if I wanted to break this man. A concrete plan was needed.

I decided first of all that I wanted to see true, true fear from Sebastian.  
But I lacked the means alone. I could put myself in danger, but he'd quickly whisk me out of it without even breaking a sweat. 

I had to find someone willing to help me, and I knew exactly the person I needed. 

"Eeeheeee~ it's the little lord~" the eccentric man called out to me as I entered his shop.  
A sigh pushed out of my lips.  
"Undertaker...let's make this quick."

I'll never speak again of what I had to do to win Undertaker's service.  
It was worth it.  
"Tell me what instils fear in a demon," I demanded, still a bit red in the cheeks after the stupid thing I had to do.  
And he answered, leaning over his desk and cackling. 

"I imagine," said the retired shinigami, "having his head separated from his body and buried deep beneath the earth."

"Oh, that is too gruesome," I snapped. "I'm not going to cut his head off. I just...I want to see him..lose his composure. I want to see him freak out, sweat, tremble, even cry. What could do that?"

The Undertaker looked like he was struggling not to howl with laughter.  
"What about a fast-acting laxative?" He chortled. "Nothing would frighten a man more than feeling his bowels suddenly give way!"

"That's just disgusting!" a second voice called out, and to my utmost dismay, the red reaper Grell Sutcliff made himself visible.  
He was clad in a lacy woman's night gown. I did a double take.  
"You!"

"The one and only~ And I'm here to stop my dear Unnie from doing something /terrible/ to my Sebastian~" Grell flicked his long red hair and grinned.  
"You want to scare him? Just let me at him with my chainsaw, and you'll get to see him beg, oh, oh, Sebby~" he moaned, and I shuddered. 

"Grell, my lovely red flower. You were not supposed to leave the bedroom," Undertaker crooned. "But business is business. I know just the thing to get your demon trembling."

"What?" I asked, exasperated. "What is he afraid of?"

"I don't know," Undertaker giggled, and I was about to lose my temper with him when he got up and went over to a shelf full of seedy-looking bottles.  
The one he handed to me was tiny, and filled with a dark purple liquid. 

"I don't know," Undertaker repeated, "but whatever it is, with this little thing you'll soon find out."

My heart skipped a beat.  
"...What does it do?"

Undertaker was all too pleased to enlighten him.  
"It's a hallucinogenic of sorts, targeting the part of the brain that controls fear. You'll want the antidote, too...just in case."

I couldn't help it, I practically snatched the drugs from him. 

"Ooh, eager~ Someone's got a crush~"  
How does someone equate wanting to terrorize a man with having a crush?

"Keep your filthy little mitts off of Sebby. He'd never look twice at a pipsqueak like you."

My lip curled. That stuck a nerve, there.  
"...We'll see." I curtly thanked the Undertaker for his service and bustled off. 

Sebastian was cleaning the secret dungeon beneath the manor. I know because I told him to. And it would be the ideal spot to get him alone-- the daft servants didn't even know the room existed. 

By myself, I pushed the bookcase aside and entered the staircase.  
I'd hoped to be quiet the whole way down, but the dust set off my asthma and I arrived at the bottom of the stairs wheezing and coughing. 

\----------


	2. Breaking Butler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter does contain an omorashi scene, it's short and not very detailed tho

The dungeon was cold and dank, dark and just a little creepy. Interrogation equipment lay scattered around the room, but in good condition. My butler took care of his toys.   
Sebastian was right there to intercept me, kneeling down to meet my eyes.   
"Young master, I have not finished manually cleaning this room yet. You should not be in a place that triggers your asthma."

"Shut up," I rasped, wiping my watering eyes. "There's something I want you to do."

This was already off to a bad start. I produced the small purple vial and held it out.   
"Try some of this."  
"...What is it?" My butler looked apprehensive, understandably. 

"You'll see when you try it," I snipped impatiently.   
"My Lord, I am a demon, but...drinking an unidentified substance is not smart, even if you are immortal," he replied diplomatically. "And you...you seem a little out of it."

"This is an order, Sebastian. Drink what's in this vial," I insisted, my heart racing. Yes, you are a demon...a flawless, perfect demon...right?  
And of course, he had to oblige. Taking the potion from me, he removed its stopper. 

"Yes, my lord." And then he'd swallowed it.   
I took a seat upon a torture table, and he didn't look very happy about it. 

"It tastes like grapes. What are you expecting to happen?"

I went white, then scarlet. Did that goddamned madman give me grape juice instead of a potion?!

"It's-- it's supposed to--!"

"Supposed to wha...."   
Sebastian's voice suddenly died on him. He looked lost, and blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision.   
Could the hallucinogenic be working?!

"That's...to ...to see that..." he mumbled, staring into thin air. 

"What do you see?" I demanded, sitting up. "Tell me everything you see. That is an order!"

"I s...I see...black. A purple sky. A ground with no physical surface. I see things moving... In the darkness. Claws. Teeth. Venom. --Oh!"  
Sebastian closed his eyes tight, pressing his hands to his head. 

"Oh. No. Not this. No. No. No, no, no!" Sebastian's eyes shot open, glowing brightly. "Not this!"

"What do you see?!" I cried, the tension in the room skyrocketing. 

"I see /nothing/! I see vacuum! I see space, and void, endless, endless void! I see creatures! Writhing tentacles, snapping, biting, breaking! I see screams and fear!" Sebastian cried, lowering himself to the floor slowly. "Phobos and Deimos...I'm afraid..." 

He knelt down.   
"What have you done to me? What have you---" His head snapped upwards, and he gazed up with a terrorized look in his eyes that I'd never seen before.

Where was he?! What was he seeing?  
All around him, it seemed he was being tormented by all sorts of horrors! Was he in Hell? Were demons even afraid of Hell?

His eyes then dropped to something right in front of him. "...Oh, no, no! Young master, make it stop! Not this, not this!" he cried, and there were real tears glittering in his eyes.  
Oh, Sebastian...

"No," the demon said to the phantasm before him, "No...you're dead.."

He began pleading once more, and I was even scared, myself.  
I had to end this now.

I pulled out the second vial and tipped it down my butler's throat, forced it down. He choked, swallowed it, then went still.   
There was a deathly silence.

Suddenly Sebastian's eyes were on me. My butler stood up to his full height and stared me down.

"What was that, young master?" he asked in a dark, quiet voice.   
Oh, fuck, he was angry. And obviously rather embarrassed, for showing such a pitiful face to me before.

I couldn't meet his eyes.   
"Tell me where you were, just now."

Sebastian glowered and didn't speak for a few moments as he composed himself.   
"I was in the Void. A child like you could not even glimpse it and stay sane."

"What's the Void?" I replied curiously. 

"...It's not something you need to know." He dusted himself off, wiped the wetness from his dark lashes, and turned.   
"Never do that to me again."

Chills went through my body as he gave me an order.

"I..."   
I almost apologized right then and there. But instead, I murmured, "It was an experiment....I didn't want to hurt you."

Sebastian turned to leave, and I noticed he was shaking. His steps were uneasy.   
"S-Sebastian...take the rest of the night off, alright?"  
He didn't look back at me. 

"Yes, my lord."

I had to bathe myself that night. Finny was too rough for the task, Meirin was too...well, female, Bard was too awkward, and Tanaka was too old. 

I was left to stew in what was apparent to be guilt for several long hours, even after the water got cold. 

So that was what happened when Sebastian had to face his fear. What on earth was the Void? Who was the dead person? I would have to find out. 

I felt guilty, yes...but I'd also accomplished a wondrous goal.   
Sebastian could feel fear just like a human.   
And actually...I kind of liked how ashamed of himself he was, for showing such a face.   
There were a lot of ways I could humiliate Sebastian, but I wanted to really see him be unable to keep control.   
Sebastian was actually back to normal within the next few days, but I gave him a few weeks to recuperate before trying my next little game. 

Oh, I was enjoying this. 

"Finny made too much lemonade," I told him one sunny day. "You've been working hard today. Why don't you help yourself to that pitcher over there, if you feel like it, if you've got time?"

My butler gave me an odd, and very suspicious look. Well, after the last debacle, I couldn't blame him for not wanting to accept any liquids I offered him. 

"Drink it?" he questioned. "My lord, you know I have no need--"

"I said," I interrupted in my most courteous tone, "Help yourself to that pitcher over there, if you feel like it, if you've got time."

Sebastian caught on to the unspoken order and hesitantly approached the glistening pitcher.

"As you wish, my Lord."

And then I sat back and watched him empty it. Demons did not have thirst. Nor did they have bodily functions. But demons in a human shell were bound by human laws: What goes in must come out.

I pointed to a spot in front of the meridienne I was seated on.

"Recite to me, '20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne, in French."

It wasn't difficult; he knew the story. 

But he looked baffled as to why I'd make him drink so much and then embark on reading such a lengthy tale.   
He began, regardless.   
I sat there for hours upon hours, listening to him read that book.   
His smooth, rich voice washed over me....but...that wasn't what I was paying attention to. 

I saw the first signs of discomfort on his face after what seemed like forever, and I saw the imperceptible way he shifted his weight.

It grew worse and worse as time passed. He began to look deeply troubled, he began to fidget and press his thighs together. Hips squirmed subtly, and his brows drew together in unease and possibly concern. 

It all made me terribly hard. I was winning!  
Even better was when he faltered in his reading, and the moment when he subtly rested his hand against his hip and pulled on the side of his trousers, tugging the crotch sideways to try and ease the pressure.   
God, he was practically dancing. 

Except that I'd messed up. The tea he'd prepared me all those hours ago had worked through my own system and I felt just as goddamned desperate as he did. I waited as long as I could, but...my humanity beat me in the end.

Had my plan failed? Would I suffer a terribly ironic defeat? I couldn't wait any longer without looking like a complete idiot.

"Wait here, I'll be back in just a second," I mumbled, getting to my feet. Sebastian looked very displeased; I saw the look on his face as I passed him.

And that was good. Let him be uncomfortable.

I expected to be back within a few minutes, so I could keep watching what was proving to be a wonderful show.  
But something else happened. I was hurrying to the toilet, which happened to be one of the lesser used toilets in the mansion, when I tripped over a wire spanning the doorway.

I didn't have a chance-- the bucket fell down on my head, absolutely drenching me in what I realized was tar and feathers. My vision went dark.

"Wha-?!!"

Who in the hell?!

"We caught the ghost!" came Finny's voice. "Caught him! Caught him!"

"Oohhh! Finny, you were right!" came Bard's voice, coming closer. "There really is a ghost!! Quick, grab the holy water! Ohoho, Seb's gonna be so jealous that we caught the ghost and he didn't!!"

I choked and coughed up some of the tar. The two males crowed over the capture of their supposed ghost when I heard Meirin shriek, "That's not a ghost, that's the Young Master!!"

And then the panic began. I was rushed into the bathroom and dumped in the bath, blind and completely coated in the foul liquid.

I was stuck listening to their blundering apologies forever as they all tried to wash the sticky tar off of me. God, all that trouble bathing by myself a while back and they all ended up washing me anyway. 

"Oh, please don't tell Mr. Sebastian!" Finny pleaded, roughly scrubbing my skin. "He'll hit me again!!"

"Just shut up and get this off me!" I snapped back as my eyes were finally eased open and I could see again. 

By the time they'd cleaned as much tar from my body and hair as they could, and I'd both managed to make it to the bathroom and gotten some dry clothes on, it was dark.

And suddenly it occurred to me that Sebastian had slipped my mind completely.  
Hurriedly buttoning my shirt up, I strode from my bedroom down to the living room.

There were no lights on in the room, so it was fairly dark in the fading sun. But it was obvious what I was looking at.

Sebastian stood in the centre of the room, stiff shouldered. As I drew closer I could see he was trembling faintly.

The poor man had wet himself, I could see it all over the floor, and I knew the scent. And it wasn't dark enough that the damp patch soaking his trousers couldn't be seen either.

What a pitiful, vulnerable, weak butler. What a poor excuse for a man. He called himself a demon? I would not. 

"Sebastian," I began. He was standing side on, obviously not wanting me to see him.

"Young Master," he replied shortly, staring away, his hands tapping uneasily at his side.

"What has happened?" I asked, and he stiffened. I'd asked him to stay and he had stayed. That was what.

"I...I..." Sebastian just looked dismayed, confused, humiliated. But he drew himself together and glanced up.

"...What has happened is the natural response for someone who has consumed a large amount of liquid and then asked to stand in the same place for hours upon hours. Forgive me, Young Master. May I be permitted to leave?"

No, no. I wasn't done yet. Blame me all you want; I don't care. I approached the man, giving him a faint smile. I got intimately close to him, and touched his torso lightly. I wondered if he knew I was aroused.

"You're not perfect at all, are you?" I whispered. "There's a human in there. Tell me I'm wrong. Go on."

But he couldn't do it. He closed those dark, smoky eyes of his and shook his head.

"Young Master..." He cringed, I could see him blushing. He shifted from one foot to another in the glistening mess he'd made. It had even seeped into his shoes. 

"Go and clean up," I murmured. He bowed once, swept past me, and was gone in an instant.

Sebastian Michaelis went by another name: The Dark Prince Malphas. My humble butler was royalty, down in Hell. But I don't care how great he thinks he is.

He belongs to me.

Humiliation was a wondrous thing to see Sebastian experience. It was very exciting, honestly, even if I missed him struggling.

I wanted to see that man struggle and lose control-- in as many ways as one could possibly think of.

I'd seen him asleep, vulnerable, shocked, worried. 

Then my games started. 

I watched him cower and plead and tremble in fear. I'd seen him squirm and writhe and lose his bladder like a common child: utmost humiliation and frustration.

Those were all wonderful...but I needed more.

Could I make my butler feel? Could he weep with sorrow? Could he be consumed with uncontrollable lust, that I caused him?

And the overwhelming question...Could I make him love, and then, could he love me?

Despite boasting an intelligence beyond my years, I was actually rather stumped about this. So, once more, I gave him time to recover his dignity.

You wouldn't know it, the way he acted like nothing had ever happened. But that was just Sebastian, and I knew he thought about it a lot.

And what happened next was not planned at all.

It was my father's birthday but a few weeks later, a date I never truly enjoyed because, obviously, it brought up unpleasant memories.

I'd hoped to get through it without a hitch, but obviously someone had to go and do something stupid.

"Young Master!" Meirin cried, hurrying over to hand something old and dusty to me-- a book?   
"I was cleaning, and, and, I accidentally tripped and knocked a pile of boxes over, and look what I found!"

'Baby Photos', the cover read, and I realized I was looking at a photo album.

'Ciel Phantomhive'.

"You didn't 'accidentally' find this at all, did you?" I asked her irritably, and she flustered.

"O-oh, well, I, I'm not saying I didn't," she stammered, letting out a nervous chuckle.

I took the book from her. "This is stupid. Go away, will you?"

"I'm sorry, Young Master!" she howled, and dashed away. Annoyed, I dumped the photo album on the couch and it stayed there for most of the day.


	3. Too Late to Dissimulate

It was an awfully cold night for the summer though, and after my bath I retired to one of the firelit lounge rooms for some relaxation and reading time. There I found the book I had earlier abandoned, and knowing that it was my father's birthday...I curled upon the couch and opened it. Out of respect.

I preferred to sit in the darkness, and alone. The moon was all the light I needed, as I sat near the large glass wall.  
The book creaked as I opened and pawed through it. Stupid, awful, humiliating photos of me as a young baby, dressed in the most ridiculous outfits, sailor suits and whatnot.

My parents were with me too. Mother and Father in their modest swimsuits, sitting beside me on the beach, helping me build a sandcastle.

My birthday parties. Christmases.   
My family were rich and owned an instant camera of their own, making these candid photos possible. 

I found one of my father with me on his knee. He was reading a book to me, and I couldn't stifle a chuckle-- "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea - Children's Edition." I guess that's where I got my love of that book from.  
And then the sadness hit. I missed him terribly. Him and my mother.   
I wanted them to be still alive...!

I put the book aside and grabbed a pillow, pushing my face into it. 

I let out muffled, shaky breaths as I fought back the urge to cry, and it was then that I heard a voice. 

"Young master?"  
I froze up, then slowly lowered the pillow from my face.   
"What are you doing here?" I asked hoarsely. 

Sebastian stood there with a small lantern in one hand, a plate of tea in the other.   
"It is past your bedtime. Everyone else is asleep."

Had I been reading for that long?  
"I don't care," I muttered. 

"It seems you are upset, my lord."  
To my dismay, he approached me. I put my pillow down quickly. 

"I'm not. I was just -- smelling the pillow."  
"I see," said Sebastian disinterestedly, reaching out and touching the tears along my lashes.  
The bastard. 

"Sod off, will you?!"

"If you order it, my lord."

My face crumpled and I nearly began to cry all over again.   
"What, do you /want/ to be here?"

Sebastian sat himself down on the couch in response, folding his legs neatly. It was all a game to him.   
"It /is/ interesting to see the little lord show such an emotion."

"Right, because you're fucking incapable of it, right?" I snapped back, pressing my palms to my eyes. 

"Yes," Sebastian replied, and I straightened up. No. Sebastian had a heart in there! A heart that felt fear and anger and shame and sorrow and /love/!

"Sebastian, tell me about your family. You know all about mine. I ought to know about yours."

Not really. For the most part I only cared if he could serve me and win my revenge for them. But I could play games too. 

"My lord, it is a ponderous tale."

"Your /immediate/ family, then. Your mother and father. Any siblings?" I closed my family's memories away and put them to the side. 

Sebastian looked bored now.   
"I am a trueborn demon. Both my parents were royalty. My mother was killed when I was little, whilst Father lived through two millenia. That's quite a goal. I have an uncountable amount of brothers I care nothing for. Some of them are officially coronated princes. Many are dead. I never had any sisters. Well, I'm sure they were born, but...."

Sebastian didn't continue that sentence, for which I was glad. 

"That's all there really is to say."

I blinked. There was not an ounce of affection in his voice, there. Such a flat, objective recount.   
"What sort of relationships did you have with them?" I asked hopefully. I picked my teacup up, but placed it back down absentmindedly. 

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at me.   
"My father and brothers moulded me into what I am today through discipline and punishment. I learned everything through them. They taught me to hunt, to kill. When I was eight they taught me how to make love--"

"Oh, god, stop!" I cried, cringing at the thought.   
Sebastian gave a snort of amusement. 

"The taboos of humans do not apply to demons, young lord."

"That's disgusting!" This didn't turn out the way I wanted at all. I didn't want to hear about incest and pedophiles.  
God damn it...Fine, demon. Let's change the subject. 

"Sebastian, tell me about...the Void." Sebastian looked arguably less smug at that.  
"My lord..."   
"Is it Hell?"

He frowned, putting his candle on the table and removing his gloves. My gaze was instantly drawn to his slender white hands with their lovely dark nails.   
Maybe his palms were sweating. That was exciting. 

"Let me put it to you like this, young master. The Void is to Hell like a serpent is to a mouse. Hell is like Heaven, Earth, and the realm of the Reaper. But the Void is...an anti-realm. It is somewhere that touches everywhere and nowhere equally."

Sebastian looked so serious, his dark brows drawn together. His shoulders were stiff and tense. 

"The only creatures that survive in there are horrors beyond even /my/ dark imagination. Everything must constantly adapt and change to survive. It's evolution sped up."

"Have you ever been there?" I asked, rubbing my arm as if some void creature was only inches away in another dimension. Sebastian looked away.  
"No. No one who goes in there comes out. But what's inside is always looking for a way out. I only glimpsed within it once but the sight is scarred on my mind forever. We do not speak of it."

"Jesus Christ." How could such a terrible thing exist?

"...If it's all the same to you, my lord, I'd rather like to change the subject."  
Oh, my dear demon. You would like that, wouldn't you? You're very uncomfortable. 

"I have another question you must answer for me," I replied, turning to face him and getting comfortable. 

"My lord?"

"When you were hallucinating, you said, 'You are dead.'...Who were you talking about?"

Sebastian turned his head slowly to face me. Considering his body was facing the other direction, I was noticeably startled when his head rotated about 160 degrees to look at me. 

"No." His mouth had changed into an inhuman slash of a frown, I saw narrow, dead eyes, and I caught glimpses of razor teeth. 

"You disobey a direct order?" I asked calmly, but that face was fucking horrifying, I could have wet myself. He was trying to scare me, to assert his demonhood. 

But he wasn't going to best me. 

"...My lord--" he protested, concerned when I didn't flinch away. His face was human again. 

"Tell me. Turn around and face me, and tell me, Sebastian."

Sebastian faced me, looking rather white.   
"This is something I'd really rather not--!"

"Don't make me say it again, Sebastian. It's an order."  
And that was that. He had to obey.   
"Why are you so curious about my life?" he asked rhetorically, shaking his head. Then he met my eyes.   
"...The person that was dead was my....my infant son."

It wasn't this that he was afraid to answer, it was the question that he knew was coming next. And he couldn't bear to hear me ask it, so he answered it anyway. 

"I only...had him for six days," he said quietly while I stared on in blatant shock, the teacup paused at my lips.   
"Just six days...when a creature of the Void broke into Hell. When I glimpsed that place...I opened the gateway just long enough for something to get in. I didn't know until it was too late. My little boy had been stung by that something...and that sting did a terrible thing to him..."

For the first time I saw Sebastian choke up. But he was bound to answer, so he managed to continue.   
"My son and heir to my throne developed a..lump...it grew into a massive tumor on his back, filled with liquid. He began to lose his mind."

My eyes widened. No. No...this was terrible. I didn't want this..!

"I knew what was going to happen because my child wasn't the only one who met this fate. I knew that if that sac was bumped hard enough, it...exploded. Like nitroglycerin."

That was the stuff used in dynamite, wasn't it...?!

"I was as careful as I could be, but he was suffering so badly..! And one day, I...I beckoned him over to me...and my frenzied child obeyed. I wanted to hold him...to save him. I took him into my arms one last time, and then...then he e-exp...exploded..."

Sebastian's eyes were glowing as the firelight lit up the tears that had welled up there. He was struggling to keep it together.

I could hear the tremor in his quaking voice, then he closed his eyes, stifling a whimper. My heart ached. 

"And by the time I-I regenerated, my partner had killed himself out of grief. Their remains c-coated my body entire."

"Sebastian," I choked out, realizing I'd forgotten to breathe. 

"If I had not glanced into that portal they would still be alive. Those other children would be alive. I suppress those m-memories everyday...because there is no one to blame but me..! It's my fault, all my fault...!"

I was stunned. Sebastian covered his face, finally done speaking. 

To lose a child, and a partner, especially like that...! If this was what it took to make Sebastian cry, I think I'd rather it hadn't happened!   
And there was no doubt he was crying. He didn't make a sound, but his shoulders were shaking and I could see tears leaking through his fingers. 

Sebastian would never cry if I hadn't forced him to talk about it.   
And without thinking, I put a small hand on his shoulder, and then I moved forward into his lap to embrace him. 

I don't know why I did, to be honest, but both our emotions were running so high, and the man I had feelings for was so distraught.   
Try as he might to dissimulate, I heard faint sobs in my ear. 

"Young master, you mustn't..." he insisted, and I looked up to see a most tragic expression in those wet, glittering eyes of his. Tears slid down his cheeks, and his body shook with silent sobs and gasps. And yet, he was spared of all the mess and red-facedness that usually came when people cried.   
"I've been emotionally compromised. I must go and collect myself, so I may proper serve you...Perhaps prepare a late night--"

"Just shut up, Sebastian," I muttered, wrapping my arms tighter around him. "I'm sorry I made you talk about that. I'm sorry that you were cheated of a son and bereft of a lover. And--I'm sorry that you are burdened by guilt."

Sebastian said nothing, but the unspoken words were clear as day, 'Why are you not punishing me for this weakness?'

I didn't care. I rested my head against his chest and listened to his heart beat steadily.   
"Young master," he said once he'd completely recovered himself, "this is the third time in a month that I have faltered before you. And I can't help but think that you intended everything that happened."

"And if I did?"

"Then you are playing games with me, and I don't like it," he confessed. 

"Because it makes you realize you're not as perfect as you say you are? That there's a lot more humanity inside you than you let on, Mr. 'I can't cry'?

Sebastian glanced away.   
"Why would I ever want to realize that?" he replied.

"You're going to live forever, even as my skeleton lies deep beneath the earth. Emotions would make your life more interesting, wouldn't it?" I questioned subtly.  
"For example, if you were to admit that you loved William Spears, maybe you would still be together."

"Hnf." Sebastian squirmed beneath me. I'd hit the nail on the head.

"And I think you will realize that you did love him...even if it is too late." God forbid he took this as a signal to chase after Mr. Spears. 

"So you enjoy this? Even though you paid your soul for me to be flawless?" he asked. 

"I do what I want with you, Sebastian. Lie back, will you?"

"My lord?" Sebastian questioned as I gently eased him back against the pillows. 

"I do what I want with you," I repeated, my eyes gazing into his glittering own. "You're mine. Heart and body and dark, blackened soul."  
I settled against his warm body.   
"Only you could make crying look beautiful."

"Young master, that is embarrassing," he replied as he hesitantly drew me in closer, his clothes warm and soft. I felt instinctively at peace...Until he spoke next.

"I find for the most part, emotions are...an awful, painful weakness. And you're just enforcing that. All you've shown me is unhappiness."

I went cold.   
God...he was right. 

He was right. I was drawing out nothing but negativity. Why would he want to have feelings when I did naught but humiliate, terrorize and upset him?  
He stared at me, no doubt wondering what the guilty expression on my face was. 

I looked away, my heart beginning to pound.   
I'd just hurt him a lot, trying to get his emotions out, and maybe it would have been easier to just...tell him.   
I was wondering how I'd ever manage that when Sebastian spoke up again. 

"And it is not just you. My experience..." He faltered, wondering if he really should be saying this to his master. But I was gazing intently at him, with probably more open an expression then I would have liked, and he knew I wanted to hear it. 

"With William Spears," he continued. "He was the first one I...ever felt such...deep emotion for, in my long, long life as a demon."  
I took my chance. 

"Sebastian, that's what happens! You didn't /know/ how to love, and a man like William Spears would scarcely know where to start teaching you!" I found myself protesting, my hands gripping the front of his uniform.   
"I didn't know him...but you act as if you can't even /feel/. That is how you lost him, and it hurts, doesn't it? It hurts that you lost him?"

Sebastian gave me a blank look.   
"It /did/, but I have since overcome such a nuance."

I leaned forward, still in his lap.   
"..Whether that's true or not...Maybe you need someone who understands that it's a learning process for you. You won't always get things right because..." I faltered too, going rather red. 

"Because what?" Sebastian prompted me. I had gone rather red. God, what a roller coaster. 

"Love is all about the imperfections," I told him, resting a hand on his shoulder. "...Neither is perfect, and that's what makes it so good. Damn it. Why...why do you think I've done these things to you? Why do you think I've been testing your ability to feel?"

My heart was in my throat as I spoke. I never knew it would turn out like this. 

Sebastian's expression turned into something of a sneer.   
"Oh. Oh, it all fits into place now. Young master...you...oh, my, you think I'm going to say, 'You know, I guess I should be happy that I trembled on the floor like a child. I should be glad that I was forced to /disgrace/ myself. /Like a child/. And I should appreciate that I, an immortal being, can weep and whimper at the finality of death-- /like a pitiful, mewling child./ Because this is all adorable, surely! Such imperfections are to be admired!" he announced in a sharp tone that cut me deep. 

I sat back, in blatant dismay.   
"S-se--"  
But it was his turn to interrupt me. 

"Let me tell you something, young master. You /are/ a child, and these games have been nothing but indicative of that. Do not speak to me of love. You, the age you are, know even less of it than I do."

He stood up, staring me down once more. I felt like an ant.   
I couldn't think straight, and my throat tightened up. 

"Young master," he continued, "I will be /nothing/ but perfection for you. Because all you are is a meal, a contract, a means to an end. You may give your heart to me, my lord, but I will just eat it."

I felt so sick and so upset, I felt thick tears welling in my eyes and I was trembling. 

"Marry the young Lady Elizabeth, and enjoy what pale, insipid imitation of love you can for the time you have left alive. Because in the end--"

My tea was hurled, the scalding liquid getting him right in the neck, some of his cheek, and his chest.  
Sebastian cringed as he was burnt, feeling the pain, but then he just smiled at me like the fucking bastard always did. 

I ran from the room after that, but it wasn't until I was buried under my covers that I let the tears come. 

I told myself that I was not a child. A child would think that a simple confession of love would be enough to win a demon over.   
But no...Sebastian had had his heart broken, and he was /afraid/ to lend it again. He was /afraid/ to feel.   
Or so I'd thought. But the thought finally entered my head that maybe I was completely deluding myself. 

I sent Sebastian away the next morning. I told him quite clearly that I wanted him out of my sight.   
He didn't look fazed; one minute he was there, the next he was gone.   
I didn't care where he went, I just needed time to sort through my problems without his smug face around. The servants knew something was up. I hadn't quite forgiven them for the tar debacle, but I wouldn't have confided in them anyway. 

The problem remained, however, that I had a lot of built up feelings I needed to vent. And so it happened that one night, five days later, such a solution crawled right into my bed. 

He'd snuck in while I was eating dinner, and in my unmade bed (Meirin was so forgetful) I didn't even notice him there until I got into the bed myself. 

Pluto poked his head up and made a gentle growling noise. 

"O-oi!" I cried, going rather red. But most of it was surprise. I had a secret that not even Sebastian knew: This wasn't the first time Pluto had been in my bed. 

In fact...if there was a moment that it really snapped with me that I was attracted to boys, it would have been that rainy night when we first experimented.   
I was still what they would call 'Pure', of course, but Pluto was the first person I ever got serious with. 

And just like then, the rain pounded heavily against the windows. It was strange; I always got a little more excited when it was raining. I touched myself more when it was raining, too, and tonight, as I have said, I needed to vent. 

Pluto was smarter than we all gave him credit for, really. 

I frowned at him, and he pouted, but he boldly put a hand on my thigh and I did the same thing to let him know it was alright. 

I let him remove my clothes, and I took off his; it was the same uniform that Sebastian wore, and it was certainly better that Pluto not wear it now. 

We started by lightly touching each other's candlelit skin, but it escalated.   
I knelt overtop the naked albino, pressing kisses to his soft lips, his perky red nipples and his firm, pale hips. Pluto licked me in turn, nipped gently, and his hand passed over my arousal every so often. I jumped beneath him. 

I liked listening to him moan as my hips ground down against him, and there was certainly something to be said about the way he stroked and fingered me. 

We finished feeling very satisfied, but in the end...Pluto wasn't Sebastian. Was I better off abandoning my hopes and accepting the sweet, innocent love of yet another immortal, magical creature? Pluto couldn't even hold a conversation...and he was still kinder than Sebastian had ever been. 

Maybe I should just marry Elizabeth. I only liked her as a cousin, but my family had arranged this or me.   
Ah, no. I would not live a terribly long time. I wanted to spend the time I had left, enjoying myself. That was the sole motivation behind this whole venture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking of switching to Seb's POV for the next chapter. what say ye?


	4. Amour Aime Aimer Amour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> forgive meee this sucks i'm really stuck with this story. any suggestions are welcome

_Amour aime aimer amour_

**SEBASTIAN POV**

tw: masturbation, abuse 

The young master was more naive than I had first thought.   
Really, to develop feelings for me? I was disappointed. 

For one thing, that was a contract complication a starving demon like myself could do without. And then, to love a human, who would grow old and die?  
I was just setting myself up for more of that...that pain that he craved. 

What I'd been through in the last month was pure humiliation. The fact that he /forced/ me to relive my worst memories and fears...if he was not my master, I would have ripped his head off for that. 

To disgrace myself and the uniform I had been given...nothing ashamed me more. I couldn't remember ever feeling so embarrassed in my entire life.  
And for the young master to be aroused, to savor my imperfections...unbelievable. 

Everything he'd done was childish, immature, and crude. Did he really expect I'd fall into his arms? 'I shamed you out of love, Sebastian!'   
I cringed at the thought. 

The young master had told me to get out of his sight. Such an order was tedious, but at least Claude Faustus wasn't after his soul this time.   
With such a thought in mind, I went to the Trancy manor. I threw Mr. Faustus down against the bed, and, pardon my French, we fucked savagely for the rest of the night. 

Of course, I did eventually face up to the knowledge that my young master had a point.   
If I had given William my love, we would still be together. Maybe we would have our own son. 

But that was all too late, now. I'd ruined that for good, and apparently William Spears was getting hitched with that blond Knox fellow. 

Have I healed from losing him? No. I think often of going to the shinigami realm, ripping his lover from his chest and...well, it doesn't bear saying. 

Amour aime aimer amour.   
Love loves to love love.   
And I will admit...what I experienced with William was counted amongst my happiest days. I enjoyed being in love, but I was so conflicted, too.

A shinigami. A non-royal. The fact that if I said I /loved/ him, I'd be laughed right out of Hell.   
As a prince...I could not abide it. Because demons were the embodiment of sin, and we weren't supposed to love. That truly IS seen as a weakness. 

We loved none but our family, and even then, that didn't happen often. Love had broken me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. 

What idiot would willingly step forward to have his heart broken a third time, keeping in mind the one wanting to take mine was a human boy, mortal, and under contract?

God forbid I am ever /reluctant/ to take Ciel's soul when the time comes. 

\----

Alas... things didn't go exactly as planned. 

The young master called for me because he urgently needed my help. He'd tripped down a set of stairs and the useless servants hadn't heard his cries, so he had no choice but to plead for my help. 

I was there in an instant. When I saw Ciel curled in a ball at the foot of the staircase, I felt a very uncharacteristic twang of concern. 

"Sebastian," he called, gazing up at me with mismatched eyes. Immediately I sensed sickness around him, festering in his aura. It was repulsive.   
I'd only been gone a few days and he'd already caught something?  
And there was something else on him, too, that I couldn't quite place. 

"Are you injured?" I asked, checking him over. Nothing broken, all he had were a few bumps and bruises and a small cut on his left cheek where a nail in the carpet had scratched him. I made a note to remove that later. 

"My goodness, you are a clumsy little master. Let's get you back to bed, it is far too late to be up."

Ciel slapped lightly at me. The boy was covered in a cold sweat, his skin pale and clammy. 

"No...Sebastian--!"   
At that moment Ciel tensed up, clutching his stomach. We clearly had a problem on our hands.   
"Bathroom!" he wailed, and my eyes widened a fraction. Humans were vile things, always making messes.   
But if I couldn't prevent such a thing, what sort of butler would I be?  
"Sebastian, hurry up, please--!" He held his arms out for me to carry him.

I won't deny that after Ciel forced me to wet myself, the thought certainly crossed my mind to just leave him here and watch in amusement as he ruined his trousers. 

"Are you sure you can't walk there on your own? I know you hate being picked up--"  
"No-I-can't-so-hurry-the-fuck-up!!" Ciel snapped in a rush. 

As a butler, I rarely get my own way. Three words and I was bound to obey.   
So I delivered the lordling to the lavatory without any major problems, and then I gave him some privacy while I went to prepare him a soothing tea. 

I noticed, however, that as I prepared the tea, my hands trembled faintly. I knew why. What bothered me most was that tiny little cut on Ciel's cheek; the one gently oozing blood. 

The one that made me go absolutely wild. I wanted the young master's soul so badly, more than any mortal could possibly want a thing. When the time came, I wouldn't just take that-- I would devour him whole, to appreciate every last inch of Ciel Phantomhive, to savor him. To honor him. 

The thought of licking that blood made me so terribly hard, and I smiled a secret little smile as I gave myself a gentle rub. Arousal was a wondrous thing. 

And then I heard a soft whine as a very sleepy Pluto came crawling into the kitchen. He looked happy to see me, though I couldn't care less that the mutt was in here. 

Give me a nice, soft kitten anyday.   
"Buh," Pluto mumbled, wrapping his arms around me from behind. I was about to push him off when it hit me.   
That smell from earlier, the one I couldn't place. It was Pluto. And it was sex. 

The young master and /this/ filthy mongrel?! Oh, my lord, I thought better of you. 

Pluto was looking up at me with happy red eyes, so full of trust. Ever the stupid dog.

"To dirty the young master with your touch is simply unacceptable," I informed him, then calmly took the freshly-boiled kettle and pressed it against the half-breed's hand.   
Pluto reeled back, howling, and ran from the kitchen. 

I knew I would be punished for that, but as I stood alone in the kitchen, feeling my heart pound with what was obviously jealousy...I felt better. 

For the next few days I was by Ciel's bedside frequently. It seemed they'd all gotten food poisoning from one of Bard's meals, which explained why the young lord had such an awful flux. Every one was sick except Tanaka, who had just had a slice of toast for dinner, and Pluto, who had been chasing a squirrel outside at the time.   
They were hopeless without me.

I was charged with caring for all of them, but Ciel was my priority and took up 90% of my duties.   
I escorted him to and from the bathroom frequently, made him soothing drinks, kept him hydrated and clean. But the little lord said naught to me except to order me around.

That changed one night when he summoned me to his side. Ciel had vomited everywhere in his bed and needed to be cleaned up.   
"S-stop gawking and help me," my young master snapped, and I just smiled and replied, "As you wish."

Soon he was in crisp, clean sheets, fresh pyjamas, and sipping a warm camomile tea, and it was then that he spoke. 

I was just turning to leave when he said, "Stay a minute."

"My lord?" I replied curiously, meeting his exhausted eyes. 

"You...you're enjoying this, aren't you?" he asked, and I raised my eyebrows in feigned incomprehension.   
"Seeing me so helpless and vulnerable, you enjoy that, don't you?"

"Au contraire, my lord. Unlike demons, humans are so prone to making all sorts of dreadful messes. It is not a sight worth beholding," I countered with a faint smile, but Ciel shook his head. 

"That's just it, Sebastian. It's like payback, isn't it? I humiliated you and now you get to just gloat since I'm so sick!" He scowled up at me. 

I covered my mouth lightly and smiled.   
"You caught me," I said with a small chuckle. "Humiliation isn't quite so fun when you have the short end of the stick. Perfection is much more desirable."

"Laugh it up, then, demon. But your shinigami lover wasn't perfect either, was he?"

I kept smiling, though I didn't want to. "You know nothing, young master," I said simply, and gathered a used towel to take to the laundry.   
Ciel stopped me once more. 

"We have one last thing to discuss, Sebastian. You don't leave until I give you permission. Now, I have spoken to you before about hurting Pluto."

If possible, my mood grew even sourer.   
"I...vaguely recall."

"It has come to my knowledge that you burned him the other night. Why?" he asked accusingly, and he seemed rather bothered by the issue.   
My response was hesitant. 'It was an accident' would not do at all. I did not have accidents. 

"I learned that he has been touching you. I merely did this to him as a reminder to keep his filthy mitts off of things that don't belong to him."

Ciel smiled then, despite being so weak and sickly. How infuriating.   
"Pluto has my permission to touch me," I was informed curtly.   
"So you just keep /your/ filthy mitts off of him."

My eyes flashed and I grit my teeth, feeling my anger building. Ciel belonged to me. Low class halfwit scum like Pluto didn't deserve to breathe the same air as my young master!

"My lord...something like Pluto-- that's really scraping the bottom of the barrel, for se--"

"That's not for you to decide, Sebastian. Frankly, it's none of your business," Ciel snipped, his bright eyes glaring up at me. "Now get out. I'm going back to sleep."

I straightened my spine and bowed deeply.   
"As you wish, my lord."

That boy was really treading on thin ice, and I was sick to death of it. He would get his comeuppance, surely. 

And then something happened that I never anticipated.   
I returned to my room and saw something sitting on my bed. It was a baby kitten, with fur as black as the Void itself, and big green eyes. 

A ribbon around its neck held a little card that said, 'I don't want to see hide nor hair of this thing. - Ciel."

I admit, I stared at it in disbelief, expecting the precious little thing to vanish into thin air... but it didn't. The kitten mewled at me sweetly, and I sat on my bed, removing my gloves to pet it. 

How had the young master arranged this? Tanaka, most likely.   
Could I truly keep this little bundle?  
I felt my cold heart flutter a little as I stroked its ears and it snuggled against me. It was mine. 

Young master, just what are you playing at?  
Do you hope to win my love by fooling around with others, or giving me gifts?

This was confusion, and I didn't like it at all. I was a centuries old demon, and he was just a little boy. He could not play mind games with me. 

But it was steadily becoming more apparent that the young lord was not so young anymore.  
I'd noticed the first appearance of light, downy hairs over his groin when I bathed him. And I watched day by day as puberty bloomed. 

For a human, Ciel had been blessed to go through it without even a pimple. His voice was on the verge of breaking, however, and he was getting hormonal...as boys do. 

I'd put his actions of late down to just being aroused...but it wasn't like he was trying to get me to have sex with him. 

Ciel wanted me to love him. 

That wasn't to say he didn't get aroused. I discovered that for myself not long after that night. It had been raining hard since yesterday, and the forecast on the radio said there was only more to come. 

Ciel liked to go to his room when it rained, I assumed to take a nap, but when I passed by his room I happened to hear something rather peculiar. 

I allowed my form to shift into a shadow, sliding beneath his door.   
Lo and behold, there the young master was, only his head and shoulders visible from beneath his blankets.   
It did not, however, conceal the rapid movement of Ciel's hand beneath these blankets, and I will confess I blushed purely out of surprise.   
How unexpected. 

Ciel was blushing too, his cheeks reddened with pleasure as he worked himself to climax with the beat of the rain against the roof driving him. Or at least it seemed that way.   
A stifled moan touched my eyes, and I stiffened in my trousers, despite myself. That sound....yes, I liked that. 

"Say my name," I bade him without thinking twice. Ciel froze and looked around but I had already disappeared, back in my cold little room on the other side of the mansion. 

And then I gave in. Feverishly I jerked my trousers open and lay down on the small bed. My hand entered my undergarments, where I then grasped a firm erection. 

Just doing that-- being so dirty, so filthy, so unseemly...and to thoughts of the young master...such sin excited me beyond belief.   
My voice could be heard down the hall, yearning, and yearning for /him/.

In my moments of greed, I pleasured myself to the rain and I imagined it was Ciel's blood beating against the roof. 

I'd been lured in by the sin of it all, and as I spilled my seed into my trousers (because such an obscene thing....ah, forget that...) I came to terms with a certain thing. 

Ciel was mine, and no one else could have him. I wanted the sick, sinful, depraved relationship he desired so badly, and I wanted it all to myself.   
It doesn't mean I love him...but my solemn duty IS to fulfill his wishes until the day I devour him. 

Maybe...just maybe..it was worth a chance. I couldn't put forth any conjecture as to the outcome.   
Maybe I had realized my interest in Ciel as a man, (although so very different to William). Or perhaps it was more like a father to his son. 

Maybe it was both. I just have to see.


	5. And The Waltz Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> still pretty stuck on this ;A:

CIEL POV

'Say my name.' I'd heard Sebastian say it, clear as day. He'd been in the room with me as I...met the beat of the rain, so to speak.   
How discourteous. Has he no concept of privacy beyond guarding his own weaknesses close?

After having a man with an Adonis-figure like William Spears, I don't suppose he really cared for the sight of what I was doing.   
Or did he? I know he was curious about seeing me behave in a way I don't usually, I know because for a little while I was obsessed with seeing the same thing for him. 

Either way...it wouldn't help to dwell on it. We're on amiable terms, and I guess that's really all I should hope for. 

I didn't call Sebastian's name. I called Pluto's, and Pluto came to me. 

It might be Pluto I hold close. God save me, it might even be Elizabeth. But even though I'd watched as Sebastian broke down and wept over the death of his child...Sebastian refused to extend his ability to love to a romantic sense. 

Within a few weeks, I'd almost convinced myself...not that I didn't love him, but that it really was for the best that we stay business partners. A master and his servant. 

\-----

It was just the season for bad weather, and we had days where it rained on end.   
I was in my room, reading a book, when lightning boomed overhead and all the lights went out. 

I was uneasy. Even though I'd beaten my childhood fear of the dark, when it was in a storm, I couldn't help but become unnerved. 

"Sebastian!" I called, and my butler appeared, flawless as ever. 

"My young lord. We have had a power outage. Would you like for me to light a candle for you, or sing a--"

"Sebastian, please," I cut in, irritated by his condescending tone. "Go to the basement and flip the switches. It might turn the power back on."  
Sebastian bowed obediently and left, heading downstairs. 

I lay in bed, glancing nervously around the room. It was stupid to be afraid...Sebastian was the scariest thing in the house, and he couldn't harm me. Still, the face he'd given me a few weeks back, the one where his head rotated on his shoulders...that gave me nightmares still. 

All at once the lights in the house grew bright, then burst with a shatter.   
I sat up.   
"...?! Sebastian, what happened?!" I called anxiously. 

He did not reply, but someone else did. All at once, Pluto came bounding into my room, creating a frightful racket. 

It came together quickly. Pluto lived in the basement, after all. It was warmer there from the boiler.   
If he was here....something had happened to Sebastian...!

I hurled myself out of bed, grabbed a lantern, and ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I jumped several steps at a time, but Pluto was always ahead, crying in a high pitched whine. 

Sebastian...Sebastian...Sebastian...!

I could hear the crackling before I saw anything. And the smell. Burning flesh. Burning hair. 

"Aaah--!!"

My butler was on his knees in front of the power box, one hand caught in the wires. They'd short-circuited because rain had been dripping onto them, and Sebastian...he was being continuously shocked! I could see the volts going through his smoking hair. He was unconscious and jerking spasmodically. 

I ran forward to pull him off, but Pluto clamped his sharp canine incisors around my wrist. He drew blood, but he got what he wanted, and that was for me not to touch the live wires or my conductive butler. 

Touching them could even kill a boy like-- oh, fuck, there wasn't time to think!   
I couldn't shut it off there, so I ran to the box at the top of the stairs that the stable wires ran through, and ripped them out. The supply feed to the power box was destroyed completely. Sure, I had blacked out the entire house for some time, but...I'd.../saved/ Sebastian. 

I ran to his side. The demon was now slumped against the wall, and I took him down into my arms, pushing his hair out of his burnt, ash-blackened face. 

"Come on, wake up," I begged him. Of course he wouldn't die from this, but sometimes the brain just doesn't listen to reason.   
"Please. Come on! That's an order, Sebastian...! Wake up!"

Sebastian sighed lightly, but didn't stir.   
No, no-- he had to wake up. I needed him, and I loved the bastard.   
I struck him across the cheek with all the strength in my uninjured arm, and he startled awake, very disoriented.   
"William...ah..aha..."

"Sebastian," I said firmly, "it is your master, Ciel."

"Y...young..master?" he mumbled. "D...did I f-fall asleep on...on the job...? Oh, how truly poor form of me..." He blinked those long black lashes, and I gently brushed some hair from his face. 

"You electrocuted yourself, you fool. Knocked yourself out completely. You'd have crisped right up if Pluto hadn't come to get me."

Sebastian started to roll his eyes -- 'Great, being indebted to the mongrel,' he was no doubt thinking, -- when something else caught his attention. 

SEBASTIAN POV

I was dreaming of breakfast at William's. Mornings at William's. What it looked like, resting beside him, watching him sleep. How handsome he was, and how calm. I liked how unguarded he was.   
I liked the way his glacial green eyes struggled to focus on me as he awoke.   
I liked him staggering to the kitchen in his pyjamas, or boxers, and putting the coffee on. I would make breakfast and even sip some of the coffee, for the novelty of drinking hot beverages together. I liked the novelty of a relationship. The rush to get home to the young master before he woke. I loved all of it, the good and the bad.   
We understood each other...and I never had someone who complemented me quite so well. 

I missed William. I missed 'love'.

But now William was marrying another, that Ronald Knox. And now William would have someone else to share coffee and breakfast with. Someone who complemented him even better. 

Why was I thinking about that right now? The things the unconscious brain churns up. 

As Ciel explained that I'd been electrocuted, I groaned weakly. Every part of my body was in agony. It was akin to the sensation of being struck by lightning, and I recall the sensation all too well from childhood. 

My young master was by my side, concern etched into his expression. And Pluto, whining behind him.   
I was ashamed to have to owe the mutt. He saved my master the horror of seeing my charred and blackened corpse for the few minutes it would take for me to regenerate. 

Such an undignified-- oh-- wait...oh, gods, not this. Not again.   
I'd suddenly become aware of how damp my trousers were. Just a little, but a little was still too much. The undeniable scent...  
I couldn't stifle a little gasp of shame. 

Damn Pluto! I'd much rather be seen a blackened corpse than for Ciel to know that /this/ happened. /Again/. Useless dog. 

"Sebastian, what's wrong?"  
I could never say it. But Ciel noticed quickly, and started rattling off some explanation about it being a common side effect of electrocution, but I didn't care for the reasons. 

I coughed weakly, tasting blood in my mouth and nostrils. Heat warmed my cheeks as I drew my knees closer and whispered something awful; 

"Be quiet, young master. Just...be quiet."

Ciel fell silent in stunned surprise, and I rubbed my aching forehead.   
I really should be focused on the electrical burns I sustained...but they were already healing. 

The whole situation of me being electrocuted was terribly degrading. I felt sick.   
When I glanced up, however, the young lord was kneeling beside me, and he placed a hand on my shoulder. 

I couldn't help but notice there was no trace of that former arousal. Was he even excited that I'd been in such a shameful situation? It didn't seem like it.   
He seemed only worried. For some reason, I didn't like that he no longer found it arousing.   
Had he gotten over me? Was the kitten a parting gift?

"Young master...I'm sorry I misspoke just now, I--" As I breathed in, a much nicer scent filled my nostrils. Blood. 

/Ciel's blood./

"The dog bit you?" I demanded as I stared at the gouges on his wrist. Pluto whined and Ciel reached for him, stroking his albino hair. 

"Only so I didn't get electrocuted, myself," Ciel informed me curtly. 

Oh. Two lives could be attributed to Pluto. Excellent.   
I held back a bitter response and turned away. I was trembling again, partially from the shock, partially from Ciel's blood seducingly me madly. It was best for everyone that I got out of there with all haste.   
Then Ciel spoke. 

"Come to the bathroom," he murmured, looking over me.   
"Young master...?" 

"We both have injuries to treat. I haven't had my bath, and you could stand to bathe as well. Come on," he ordered me, and I had to follow. 

I just wanted to shake myself of my bloodlust and get out of this disgraced uniform in private, but...my duties to my master came first. 

The bathroom was cold and dark, but the sleek porcelain and tiles were soon illuminated by Ciel's lantern. He closed the door behind us and turned to me. 

"Run a bath. Remove your clothes, and then mine."

I ran the taps, putting the young master's favourite bath lotion in as well.   
Then the harder part. 

My jacket, shoes, gloves and belt were quickly discarded. I took off my vest, and then my dress shirt. Ciel's eyes were on me the whole time. 

I've rarely been naked before my master. Maybe only twice...and this the third time...I felt doubly awkward.   
At first I peeled the damp trousers off, god help me, and then...then finally, I took off my undergarments. 

"Black, Sebastian...? How fitting," Ciel commented as I stood there, bare as the day I was born. 

I decided to compose myself and hold myself with pride. Ciel wasn't really paying attention.   
As the bath filled and a floral scent wafted through the room, I removed my young master's clothes. 

I had electrical burns, quite severe ones, but Ciel's injuries took priority and he knew I couldn't be convinced otherwise. 

I put a small towel around my waist and dipped down to get the first aid kit from under the sink.   
Ciel's wounds wouldn't require stitches, I was pleased to note. I disinfected them with some iodine, but did not bind them. 

We had...we had yet to bathe. 

CIEL POV

I made sure Sebastian treated his own wounds efficiently, as they were healing rather slowly. I found this peculiar, but I didn't comment on it. 

He took the burning of the iodine all in good stride, as expected, though no doubt he was thinking how redundant it was to treat these.   
I could hazard a good guess that Sebastian was shaken by what happened. I know I certainly was, and I looked forward to getting into the bath to relax. 

We sunk into the hot water together; it came up to my neck, while it only reached Sebastian's decidedly perky red nipples. 

He was staring at me, his gaze boring into my soul. Of course, that was all Sebastian ever saw of me, wasn't it? One perfect soul, piloting a slab of meat. 

I wanted to say 'quit staring' but that would bring sexual connotations to this situation, and I was avoiding that. 

I let him stare while he got used to it all, then asked him to wash me. Sebastian soaped up a sponge and moved in, scrubbing gently at my skin. 

"Young master, this is...very unusual...I must thank you for being so thoughtful towards me."

"Think nothing of it," I replied in a clipped tone. "We both needed a wash."

"You're still bleeding," my butler replied in a strange voice. Our eyes met, and I shrugged. 

"Would you look at that."  
I raised my bleeding wrist, eyeing the gouges, and then plonked it in the water. 

"Young master--!" 

Oh, my. Like a shark near wounded prey, Sebastian's pupils dilated as my blood dissolved into the water.   
He could smell it everywhere. It was intoxicating. 

"Young master, this situation is terribly improper for a master and a servant, I must insist you allow me to leave," he said urgently, backing away from me. 

Could it be...? Like that day with Claude Faustus...my blood...?   
"Why?" I responded. "...It's not like we are doing anything bad."

"Why not?" he demanded suddenly. How quickly the atmosphere had changed.  
"Isn't that what you wanted from me..?! You have me right where you want me, a-and yet you control yourself, every part!"

I frowned at him, but inside I felt a small victory.   
"Because you told me 'no'."

"Yes, but..." Sebastian grabbed my wrist, his frenzied eyes not leaving the wounds welling a slow but steady amount of blood.   
"But you're still playing games with me all the same!"

Sebastian raised my wrist to his mouth and pressed his lips to it, suckling the blood desperately.   
I felt a shiver run down my spine. I felt it deep in my loins. 

It was arousing, but I was frightened now. I was afraid of him losing control.   
I thought...I thought I'd relish Sebastian succumbing to lust, but now he was gnawing my wrist, then my palm, then my fingers. 

It hurt. 

"Young-- young master," he whispered in a gravelly tone. I bit back a whimper, trying to subtly pull away. He only latched on harder, and pulled me into his lap. If I was erect, he was twice so, and it brushed up against me urgently. This would have been amazing if he wasn't chewing on me. 

"Say my name," the raven moaned, stroking my hair and eyeing me from behind his dark lashes with fiery red eyes.   
Oh...god. Just like that time I was pleasuring myself, he asked me to say his name. 

I felt a sharp pain in my fingers, and I gasped out.   
"/Sebastian...!!/"

I heard him orgasm, and the sheer aura nearly – it nearly brought me right to my own, even though I was scared.. 

And then he bit two of my fingers off.


End file.
